One of the first topics often introduced when speaking of marriage in general is divorce. I have heard many times that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. This statistic is flawed. Yes, over time the divorce rate has dramatically increased, but not half of all marriages ever have ended in divorce. But who wants to talk statistics in regard to divorce? There are more pressing matters. Divorce has more problems to it than the many numbers it forces into our calculators. If you have been through a divorce or are going through one, or even considering it, I mean no ill and still think the world of you. 

I grew up the product of an adulterous relationship. Due to my very presence, my mom and my older sister’s dad divorced, and my biological dad did what he must have felt was rational: packed his bags, changed his number, and took off as much as the marines would allow. Three years later, my mom remarried to my younger siblings’ dad. After nine years, another divorce occurred, and she married my current step-dad just over a year later. Through all of this, we several stigmas often presented in divorce:

• My eldest sister had eating issues stemming from emotional issues. Her dad and our mom frequently fought, and she was always stressed about who to impress. She grew to not only blame everyone else for her choices, but also avoids serious relationships like the plague for fear of serious commitment (her words, not mine).
• I didn’t know my award worthy father and felt alone and alienated from the others, never quite fitting in with any family. I grew with the solemn vow to not have my children go through this and became what is known as the transitional character. I got married to a wonderful man in the same faith as me BEFORE sexual relations and am still married (with 3 beautiful children I might add). We focus on church in our home and on the family. 
• My younger brother became quite the delinquent, having been in and out of jail between ages 14 and 18, barely graduating high school, living a very risqué lifestyle, and essentially being ostracized from the rest of us. 
• My youngest sister ran away at 12 years old and was gone for nearly 48 hours. That was scary. She had a conglomerate of emotional issues through high school and currently cohabits with her newest boyfriend. 

“A transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a lineage. The changes might be for good or ill, but the most noteworthy examples are those individuals who grow up in an abusive, emotionally destructive environment and who somehow find a way to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it on to their children. They break the mold. They refute the observation that abused children become abusive parents, that the children of alcoholics become alcoholic adults, that “the sins of the fathers are visited upon the heads of the children to the third and fourth generation.” Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so that the generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives.” (Broderick, 1992, p. 18)

Carlfred Broderick (1992). Marriage and the Family. New Jersey: Prentice Hall.

Each of these are very common things found in children of divorced parents as outlined in, ” The Impact of Family Formation Change on the Cognitive, Social, and Emotional Well-Being of the Next Generation,” by Paul R. Amato.

I graduated from high school less than ten years ago with a class of 43. Of my few classmates, over 12 of use have kids, 17 or so are married, and maybe 5 have had kids within the bounds of marriage. Several unmarried classmates have said they refuse to get married because they are scared of divorce. Often, their parents had a divorce. I would like to put out for the world to know this: divorce is not a disease or contractible ailment upon saying “I do.” It is a choice. Yes, there are often very valid reasons for divorce such as abuse of any kind, neglect, and serious issues. Some choose divorce for lesser reasons. Nonetheless, divorce is a choice that is between two people. Those who make that choice are not terrible and I don’t judge your choices.

I make a plea for all the kids like me or any of my siblings and ask that those considering divorce or going through it consider the children. What example are you setting? Is it worth it for them? What are the repercussions? How can you help them? What is best for them?

Not one person on this earth is perfect and neither are their decisions. We can put forth the perfect effort in showing compassion for one another, kids, and the institution we entered when getting married by looking at divorce as less of a parasite, solution, or option and more of a consequence of decisions and action.